Lately I've been waxing nostalgic about my days as a pro wrestling script writer. I thought it might be fun to write up the script for UFC 79 as if it were booked by a pro wrestling promoter. This is all in good fun. Please don't take any of it seriously. And by all means post your own fantasy results in the comments section.
Wanderlei Silva Beats Chuck Liddell ConvincinglyUFC needs a strong debut from the Axe Murderer . He’s got a tremendous updside and natural heel charisma. Plus, Chuck is more “bulletproof”. That is, he can bounce back from a loss more easily in the fans eyes. With this loss, it transforms Chuck from the mohawked killer into the aging star on the comeback trail. That role suits Chuck’s soft-spoken demeanor well.
[Cut to the post fight with Joe Rogan and Silva]
Silva: “Joe, I’ve waiting for this fight for five years. A little over a year ago, I came right here to Vegas on the biggest stage of them all – Pride. And I called out Liddell. I said “Where’s Chuck?” He’s hard to find, you know. And after tonight he’s going to be even harder to find. That’s why I’ve created a new children’s book called “Where’s Chuck”. [Pulls out a very well-done children's book mockup as Rogan looks on in disgust.] Here’s the referee announcing the winner of the Hampage fight. Where’s Chuck? By the way, Joe, did you know I have knocked out Hampage twice?”
Rogan: “It’s pronounced Rampage.”
Silva: [turning the page] “Here’s the referee announcing the winner tonight. Where’s Chuck? [turns the page] Oh wait - I found him. Here’s Chuck in the retirement home! [Holds up illustration of Liddell in a rocking chair. His cornermen join in as they point and laugh at the still fallen Liddell.]
[The crowd goes wild as a familiar blonde figure bursts into the octagon. It’s Tito Ortiz!]
Ortiz: “I’ve heard just about enough of this, Joe. You know Chuck and I aren’t exactly the best of friends. And everyone knows I talk a lot of trash. But after he beat me last year right here Vegas, I was man enough to admit that Chuck was the greatest. And to hear this punk out here trash talking a living legend, well, I’ve heard just about enough!” [removes shirt]
Silva: “Easy there bad boy. Believe me, I would love to avenge my so called “loss” over you. But rumor has it you’re in a contract dispute with the UFC. As much as I’d like to wipe the mat with you, it’s not going to happen. Hit the bricks, Tito. Maybe you can join Chuck in the retirement home.”
Goldberg: “He’s right, fans. Dana White and Ortiz at a contract impasse. There’s no way White is going to make this fight.”
Ortiz: [to White who has been standing by] “Dana, I know you and I don’t see eye to eye. And I know you think I’m all about money. Well, here’s the deal. I’ll fight this bum for FREE! [crowd roars in approval]. What do you say, Dana? Ortiz vs. Silva II – winner takes all! Whoever wins gets the winner’s and loser’s share of the purse. Whoever loses gets nothing!”
White: [Not thinking on his feet] “Tito Ortiz fighting in the UFC for free? I like the sound of that!”
Ortiz: “What do you say, Silva? We’re talking about the biggest single payday in the history of MMA. Are you in – or are you afraid I will beat you again?”
Silva: “I know your game, Ortiz. You think you’ll just hold me down for three rounds while you squeak out another tainted victory handed to you by crooked American judges. But I’m not worried about that. I’m going to knock you out. It’s on!”
This sets up Ortiz (cornered by Liddell) vs. Silva in the biggest money payday in MMA history. The winner will go on to face the Griffith vs. Jackson winner.
Ultimate Fighting Championship - Ultimate Iceman - Chuck Liddell
St-Pierre Beats Hughes Convincingly
In the buildup for this fight, the UFC should feature interviews with some of the top welterweights: Thiago Alvez, Jon Fitch, Josh Koschek, Karo Parisyan, and champ Matt Sera. Karo would sound very disgruntled in his interviews that he didn’t get the title shot. Again, I would have St-Pierre win. Like Liddell, Hughes can weather the loss more easily in fans eyes.
[cut to the post-fight interview with Joe Rogan]
St-Pierre: “I’d like to thank Matt Hughes for the opportunity to fight him again. I was very impressed with his performance, and was very fortunate to come out on top again. Thank you Dana White for making this fight. Thank you to UFC and all the fans. I look forward to fighting Matt Serra again as soon as he is recovered from his injury. In the meantime, I will fight whoever the UFC puts in front of me. I’d like to fight Jon Fitch or Thiago Alves.”
[Karo Parisyan makes his way into the octagon and grabs the microphone. He is wearing a t-shirt that reads “UFC can’t stand The Heat.”]
Parisyan: “No disrespect to you St-Pierre or to you Hughes. This is directed at Dana White. Two years ago I was promised a title shot. Well, it’s two years later, and I’m still waiting. I’ve done nothing but beat everyone the UFC has put in front of me. My only “loss” was a decision over hand-picked UFC poster boy Diego Sanchez. And let’s face it, he hasn’t been the same since I got through with him. And what happens? Hughes gets shot after shot. St-Pierre gets shot after shot. Hell, even Matt Serra gets a title shot after winning some TV show. Where’s my shot? I want St-Pierre. [faces off with Georges]. St-Pierre, I’m calling you out. I want that belt!”
[Dana White tries to calm Karo down. Karo grabs White by the lapel and pulls him close]
Parisyan: “I want that title shot, Dana. You promised me!”
White: “Karo, you know if you put your hands on me you’ll be fired. Then you’ll never get a shot.”
Parisyan: “Fire me! If I don’t get my title shot, I’d rather be fired. There are plenty of Mavericks out there that would love to fire up a Cuban and Mark out over the Heat!”
Goldberg: “You’re not allowed to say half those words on the UFC. Who does he think he is, Joe Rogan?”
[A disturbance breaks out in the stands. The crowd goes wild as the camera zooms in on – Nate and Nick Diaz!]
Nick: “Hey Heat, you want a fight? Why don’t you meet me in the parking lot?”
Parisyan: “Look it’s dumb and dumber! Nick, I’ve already destroyed you. How about I beat your little brother while you watch!” [The Diaz brothers rush towards the octagon as security holds them back.]
Goldberg: “He doesn’t work here! Nick Diaz was fired by Dana White!” [cut to black]
In the post-show press conference, Dana White announces that Parisyan will get everything he asked for. First off, he gets a shot at Nate Diaz, who agrees to move up a weight class to fight the Heat. Relenting to Karo’s demands, White agrees to allow Nick Diaz to corner Nate so that “that bum can see me beat his punk brother to a pulp close up.” If Parisyan wins, he’ll get the very next title shot. If Parisyan loses, he gets released from his UFC contract and is allowed to fight elsewhere immediately (albeit with the stigma of being beaten by an unranked lightweight).
Meanwhile, faced with the prospect of the ultra-polite St-Pierre vs. the soft-spoken Jon Fitch, White brings back the USA vs. Canada PPV format. To spice things up, Matt Hughes will corner Jon Fitch, while Canadian native Jim Carrey will once again channel the spirit of Andy Kaufman as he builds up St-Pierre’s fight against Fitch. The loser must kiss Michael Moore’s foot.
UFC Ultimate Knockouts, Vol. 4
1 comment:
This was a hilarious read. MY favourite bit: “You’re not allowed to say half those words on the UFC. Who does he think he is, Joe Rogan?”
Oh wait! Goldberg gets ALL the best lines: “He doesn’t work here! Nate Diaz was fired by Dana White!"
Genius.
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